Double D

I have that familiar feeling from when I was a kid and I'd get a new diary with a chintzy little lock and the first entry would say something along the lines of,

"I promise to write in you everyday!"

My next entry would be,

"I can't believe I haven't written in you for TWO WEEKS! I promise to write in you everyday from here on out!"

Next,

"I'm now 37 with two kids, diary, and I know I've said it before, but I PROMISE to write in you everyday!"

I think that struggle with my lame little diary has actually turned out to be a metaphor for my life. I'm full of the best intentions, but completely false promises.

pfft.

It's as though she were singing to me. Squares and rectangles cover the ground.

I've lost it all, I think to myself. In a space so small how do you lose it all? I'm not sure what I love anymore, just that one day it's supposed to make sense.

I wait for that day. I hold flowers for that day. Someone told me he loved me that day.

Feb 16

Rosebuds on the garbage can. Piano player and wood. Homemade biscuits, beer and conversation.

You'd be 35 soon. I'm breathing in the world thinking of you. I'm getting drunk thinking of you. I'm depressed thinking of you.

My life moves on. I try to take it in. The rosebud garbage cans, piano players, and wood.

Looking ahead

I'm looking for familiarity, she said.

Likewise, he said. Where are you looking?

All the wrong places... she pauses. The past, mainly.

January 8th

We're still on the train. We've been looking out the windows these days. Watching the grey world fly by.

How odd a thing to get together to mourn the loss of someone you still can't believe is gone. I just kept thinking, someone's missing.

Hey it's Christmas

Everything feels wrong.

Focus on the positive. He's not in pain anymore. You're not moving forward without him, he's right there with you. Fuck you. Fuck that.

He's a little kid staring at the camera for his grade school photo. Each year as his teeth buck out further and his hair gets thicker, his smile gets smaller. He could have conquered the world, now he can hardly conquer elementary school.

I read a snippet of an interview. The person said each year the magic dies and the reality that the person won't jump out from behind a bush or meet you in the street becomes more real...

I'm tired. I'm always tired. I want to run and run and run and never stop.

Thank you

You're all around me, making each day a little easier.

Moving

We're sitting on a train letting the rhythmic bump-bump, bump-bump, lull us further into our catatonic state. Our eyes are empty. White sockets. No once else rides the rails, just me and my family. We boarded a week ago. We have no idea where we're going, just that one day we might get there.

We huddle together for dinner. We talk about the weather. We talk about the flowers. We talk about the food. We pay attention to the door that leads into the next car. We wait for it to open. We wait for someone to walk down the aisle to join us. We don't talk about waiting though, because we all know we'll be waiting forever.

1:23

I just need to know you're beyond this gravity ridden world and experiencing something greater than we can ever comprehend. I know J knows, but I really need to know to.

I love you forever.

For Shane

There are a million and one things I want to say to you. But all million and one are trying to get out at the same time and to be blunt, it's all pretty fucking confusing.

Confusing.

I'm confused how we got to this point so quickly. I'm confused how I didn't know I should have been here earlier.

Should have.

I should have listened harder. I should have jumped off my silver lined cloud and joined you in reality.

Reality.

You're gone. You've passed. You're dead.

Dead.

I feel fucking dead inside.

My older brother. My watchful eye. My guardian. My protector. My frustration. My pain. My hope. My love.

You mean more to me than you will ever know. Or did you know? Years ago I wrote a 'life's list' of things to do. Learn to drive standard. See a moose. Travel. Get to know Shane. See quicksand...

Maybe we didn't have the deep philosophical conversations I thought we were supposed to have and maybe I didn't know your deepest secrets, but when I take a deep breath and calm myself from all the should of's would of's could of's, I'm reminded that in the last two years we said I love you more than any other time in our lives. We sat quiet together, as you and I could, and we shared tears. We shared love.

You knew I loved you. I will always know how much you loved me. Love me. Because even though I can't call you on the phone or send you an email or look in the family room to see you anymore, I still know that you love me. I will always feel your love for me.

You are special beyond words, Duke Shane Larson. And as much as you felt protective over your sisters, your sisters felt the same way about you. And although we can't protect you anymore, we know you're in the best possible company until we see you again.

I love you so much. I miss you ever more.

oh

It's a funny thing to migrate to an online blog when your world feels at a panicked standstill. Like somehow the internet fairies are going to make it all better.

Please do that now, little binary buddies. Make me feel better. Make my mom and dad and sister and brother in law and nephew and grandpa and friends and relatives feel better. Maybe you can give us all a pain patch. Use your magic to reach through the screen and soothe our sorry souls because this world is going to lose someone very special soon and aside from magic, I got nothing.

Gump

I remember when my friend was dying of cancer years ago, I went for a run through trails we used to walk. It was a crisp, sunny day. The leaves were turning colour and the ground smelled of moist soil.

I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran.

I ran over a little bridge, through the wetlands and back again. I was running because I thought I was fat. At some point, I stopped. And I cried.

I looked at my feet. I thought of my friend. I thought of how pathetic the reason I was running was. I thought about how he'd never be able to run again, and how I was out there punishing myself for eating too much. I was running because I thought I had to, and he would never be able to run again. I was beating my perfectly healthy, strong, capable body, and he was dying.

Today was one of those days where reality set in. My brother is dying. He won't be able to run anymore. I sat on a rock on a beautiful beach in Hawaii surrounded by bustling coworkers, crashing waves and the howling wind and I stared at my shoes. My feet. I thought about how strong they were. I thought about how embarrassed I was for telling someone my day was just 'okay' only minutes before. I thought about how on any given day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I run.

I run to get water. I run to the car. I run to get lunch. I run to the bathroom. I run and I run and I run.

Sometimes people tell me to slow down, ask what's the rush? Why am I running? And I simply say, because I can.

Blonde.

Sometimes I bounce my legs so fast when I'm sitting I get dizzy. I stop for a minute, let the spell pass, then start up again. I'm not 100% sure, but I might be the smartest person in the world.

Germans. Can't live with em...

Random German Dude - I'd do you with your glasses on.

Me - But not with them off?

RGD - No. Unless I was drunk.

How to wear fur casually

In flight services

I've been on two planes in the last three days and I feel the safety demonstration is aimed directly at me. And my family.

In case of emergency, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling above. If you are traveling with someone that requires assistance, make sure to secure your mask before helping them. Because if you don't, you are no good to those around you. Not only will you die, but you will have inadvertently caused the death of the person you are trying to help.

11

Sometimes I feel farther away than I've ever been, and then I think to myself, self, you've never felt close to where you've been. If your own brain can make you feel like you're sailing the ocean on a brittle piece of ice, then what hope do you have for ever feeling sound with another person?

The highs and lows. The highs and lows.

In my world the most peaceful thing out there is water. It will cure what ails you. Period. I often think of myself, on the verge of scream crying, shaking to the core, unable to support my own body weight, and all it takes is falling into the ocean to feel at peace with the world again.

A world that goes momentarily silent.

Momentary silence.

My brother is 34. He may not make it to 35. He may not make it to 36. He may not make it so on and so on. I wish I could walk into the ocean with him. We'd close our eyes, we'd fall backwards, and all our problems would float away. The ocean would cleanse him. The ocean would cleanse us.

My stomach is full and my head is hitting the ground. I want to empty it out. All of it. I want to puke up his cancer. I want to puke up my frustration. I want to puke up the stress my family packs with them everyday.

I'm legal bitches!!!!!!!

Bring on YVR.

7:00 am

William Shatner singing a newly conceived rendition of "Take My Breath Away."

I wake up, snuggle Doc, talk to Brad, scratch the cat, stretch, then hear Take My Breath Away breeze through my head and smile. Cheapest entertainment there is.

5:45 am

Some people say your front teeth are 9% of the outfit.