Life's list

I have a life's list of things to do. Learn how to drive a standard, see a moose, go to Japan, see quicksand, etc. On that list it also says, "Get to know Shane better." Out of hardship, some good always comes. I believe this.

Long pause. Deep sigh. Eyes welling with tears. 

My brother is very sick. He just told me he's sicker than any of us originally thought and I can't get two words he said out of my head. "It's grim." They're playing over and over like a song you only know a few words to. 

Shane and I have never been close. Not that we ever fought or had bad blood flowing between us, it's just that he's five years older than me. We were never in the same school. We were never into the same things at the same time. We never shared friends. And he's an old soul. I've always said he belongs in small town Alberta with a wife and kids to support and love. He likes being able to go to the local pub and see the same people night after night. He likes going to the corner store and chatting with the employees. He like knowing his neighbours and being known. His memory is like a sponge. He sucks it all in and holds it. It's a blessing and a curse. 

Since we found out he was sick, the whole family has gotten tighter. Even though I live far away, I feel closer to my mom, dad, sister and brother than I ever have. This "sick" has pulled us together in a way you know can only happen when tragedy is involved. Hmm, maybe that's not fair. My nephew had the same effect. When he was born, it's like the rope that kept us all together, was cinched. And now, it's being cinched even tighter. 

I can't stop thinking what it will be like if my brother is no longer here. It's so overwhelming I immediately panic. The hardest part is knowing that you will be fine. We will all be fine. We all continue to: wake up, eat, work, talk, sleep, repeat. Life will go on. Your life doesn't stop when another does. And if love is involved, you can guarantee the person you lost wouldn't want it any other way. I heard someone say they didn't know who had it harder. The person that passed away, or the people they left behind. 

My brain is overloaded and heavy, because like all bad news it hits hardest at the beginning. From that point on though, you must make a conscious decision as to which path you're going to take. Positivity, or negativity. We all choose positivity. There is absolutely no gain when negativity is involved. The most positive person throughout this whole thing has been Shane. He's smart. Very smart. He takes things one step at a time. We all know the next course of action and there's no point dwelling on anything beyond that. Because we just don't know. I wasn't sure how he'd deal with everything when I first heard he had cancer, but now I'm convinced. He's one of the strongest people I know and if anyone's going to beat their "sick," it's him.