Be positive

The one thing that keeps coming into my mind is, my brother won't be able to get married. I feel by writing that I've just cemented something, but that's stupid. A childish way to think. I wish I could be childish right now, though. I wish I could scream at someone. Blame someone. Tell someone to go fuck themselves and have that actually amount to something. I want to say the most overused statement in the world; it's not fair.

Suck it up buttercup, life isn't fair.

How does someone pull themselves up off the couch and leave the house when every time they muster up the strength, something blows them back off their feet? How can we cast judgement or have opinions on something we've never been faced with? Especially when that "something" is our life. How do you move forward when you've been given an expiry date?

The panic that wells inside of me when I think about a life without my brother is enough to make me shut down. Suddenly I'm going over every year of our lives. I'm thinking about how much I don't know about Shane. I'm regretting every ill thought I ever had. Wishing I could turn back time and take in more of the quiet moments. Like the time we played under the Christmas tree. Him with his army men, me with some sort of girly doll... or maybe it was my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figures. I'm thinking about my mom and dad and sister. And grandpa. Grandpas shouldn't out live their grandsons. I guess I'm going through the incredibly typical feelings of someone trying to process bad news.

Fuck. Typical.

Can't I just scream and have it go away instead? Can't I ball up his hurt and swallow it and hold it deep inside me? I can take it. Just let me take it. He'd say the same thing. He'd want to take our hurt and eat it. I guess that's the way it is when you love someone.