11

Sometimes I feel farther away than I've ever been, and then I think to myself, self, you've never felt close to where you've been. If your own brain can make you feel like you're sailing the ocean on a brittle piece of ice, then what hope do you have for ever feeling sound with another person?

The highs and lows. The highs and lows.

In my world the most peaceful thing out there is water. It will cure what ails you. Period. I often think of myself, on the verge of scream crying, shaking to the core, unable to support my own body weight, and all it takes is falling into the ocean to feel at peace with the world again.

A world that goes momentarily silent.

Momentary silence.

My brother is 34. He may not make it to 35. He may not make it to 36. He may not make it so on and so on. I wish I could walk into the ocean with him. We'd close our eyes, we'd fall backwards, and all our problems would float away. The ocean would cleanse him. The ocean would cleanse us.

My stomach is full and my head is hitting the ground. I want to empty it out. All of it. I want to puke up his cancer. I want to puke up my frustration. I want to puke up the stress my family packs with them everyday.