For Shane

There are a million and one things I want to say to you. But all million and one are trying to get out at the same time and to be blunt, it's all pretty fucking confusing.

Confusing.

I'm confused how we got to this point so quickly. I'm confused how I didn't know I should have been here earlier.

Should have.

I should have listened harder. I should have jumped off my silver lined cloud and joined you in reality.

Reality.

You're gone. You've passed. You're dead.

Dead.

I feel fucking dead inside.

My older brother. My watchful eye. My guardian. My protector. My frustration. My pain. My hope. My love.

You mean more to me than you will ever know. Or did you know? Years ago I wrote a 'life's list' of things to do. Learn to drive standard. See a moose. Travel. Get to know Shane. See quicksand...

Maybe we didn't have the deep philosophical conversations I thought we were supposed to have and maybe I didn't know your deepest secrets, but when I take a deep breath and calm myself from all the should of's would of's could of's, I'm reminded that in the last two years we said I love you more than any other time in our lives. We sat quiet together, as you and I could, and we shared tears. We shared love.

You knew I loved you. I will always know how much you loved me. Love me. Because even though I can't call you on the phone or send you an email or look in the family room to see you anymore, I still know that you love me. I will always feel your love for me.

You are special beyond words, Duke Shane Larson. And as much as you felt protective over your sisters, your sisters felt the same way about you. And although we can't protect you anymore, we know you're in the best possible company until we see you again.

I love you so much. I miss you ever more.